It was years ago, yet I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in University. I would spend days absorbing information, and attending classes. In my spare time, I would do research, study for exams, write tests, do large-scale assignments, and oh, work part-time.
Ever so rarely, there were days when I could come home and flick on the tube. Mind you, I still had tons of stuff to do, but… but… the Dukes of Hazzard were on. Albeit, in reruns, but… the Dukes were on. It was the kind of mindless entertainment for which my zombified brain longed. Absolutely NO thinking required. Duke boys = good. Boss Hog = bad. Got it.
Ever feel like that? Sure you do, but worry not; we’re here to help. Relax. Kick back. Take your shoes off, and set a spell. I can’t promise that the Dukes will be on, but we have something nearly as good (Like anything could be as good as “The Dukes”) Apps. That’s right, mindless iPad apps. The kind of apps that reach down to the reptilian part of your brain, and offer it a toad sandwich.
So, if you’re up for a mental vacation, we’re offering you a one-way ticket to Lobotomy Central™. Just, let the nice men in the white suites strap you down, and stop struggling. Trust us. We know what’s best for you. Now, breathe deep, and begin to remember when you were just a little tot. That’s right. Breathe deep… deeper. You’re getting sleepy… sleepy… so very sleepy.
Honey, did you bring the cat back in? That’s nice… I’m going for a horsey-back ride in the morning, and… Zzzzzzz!
iBacon: a game you’ll flip over! By G-Monkey Productions LLC
If you’re into pointlessness, we’ve got you covered. With iBacon you can go through all of the work of making bacon, without the reward of actually eating it. On the bright side, you’ll not be ingesting, the wonderfully flavorful carcinogen. On the down side, you’ll not be ingesting, the wonderfully flavorful carcinogen. That’s right, fry, flip, drain, and fake-eat your way to less congested arteries. With iBacon, you’ll loose the girl, without all the flavor. Get yours now. (All the healthy people are doing it!)
iFish Pond HD
iFish Pond HD by JOHN MOFFETT
Loose the Birkenstocks, stop hugging that tree, and upchuck your Granola bars, ‘cause you won’t be needing that crap anymore. Now you can experience nature the way it was intended, through digital representations of actual living creatures. And, you thought the world of Blade Runner was dark. With iFish, you can be “one” with your tablet, and fool yourself into thinking your actually in the wild. There’s realistic fake fish, fake water, even fake fishing poles. The fake list of fake features goes on and on. You can even fake feed you fake Koi. It’s faketastic!
iLava (Virtual Lava Lamp) by Gotham Wave Games
iLava: It’s like a lava lamp for your iPad.
Plan on going all “Charlie Sheen? iLava, is the perfect accessory. It has lots of groovy colours, and bitchin’ movement. Spend a little bread on this app, baby, and you’ll be the ginchiest! Still not sure? Watch this informative infomercial, and dig it for yourself, Daddy-O.
FirePlace by Toughturtle
Trust me when I say this. No one has the “creepy-old-guy-thing” down better than I do. So if you’re planning on horrifying yet one more date, why not do it with some style? With FirePlace by Toughturtle you can repulse even yourself with the sheer cheesiness wrought by this app. Add “The Clapper” to turn it off and on, and you’ll fully understand the meaning of “lifetime bachelor”. With the Fireplace app by Toughturtle there’s no danger of fire, although you may want to keep matches on hand. The purchase of this app qualifies as just cause for setting yourself ablaze. A steal for just 99 cents.
iSteam – Hot and Steamy Entertainment
Remember those steamy nights making out in the backseat of your car? NO YOU DON’T; you bought the Fireplace app! We’ll now you can simulate what it must be like for people who actually date. That’s right. Seductively blow into your iPad’s ear (microphone) to get it all hot, and steamy; no dirty talk required. Now you’re free to clumsily paw at the face of your date (iPad). It’s just like actual dating. Watch the beads of sweat dribble down the face of your iPad, accurately simulating “you” asking someone out on a date. Next you can, use your finger to write drippy words on the “steam” covered display screen. It’s just like that romantic poem you once wrote your love.
Look up at the cloudy billows,
I’d like to fluff your pillows.
Ah! Young love. So romantic. Next, you can systematically wipe down the screen, eliminating all the steam/evidence. To entirely clear the screen, violently shake the iPad, in the hopes of blocking the event from your mind. Get yours now.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of this exciting series.